Tag Archives: music business

In which Tony finds a novel way of describing a dream sequence.

 

Given that the subjects of Band Managers and Elvis Presley had been at the forefront of my thoughts recently, it was only natural that both would infiltrate my dreams. Natural for me anyway, which admittedly isn’t particularly natural.

I was going to relate last night’s nocturnal madness here, but then I remembered how tedious it was listening to other people’s dreams. And if it was tedious listening to theirs, it was likely to be more so listening to mine. So I thought of another way of describing it, as I know you have the attention span of gnats.

You are about to leave the black and white confines of this interminable journal and enter a new, technicolour world peopled with extraordinary characters and talking inanimate objects. A bit like The Wizard Of Oz, but not as plausible. Are you ready? Then let's begin..

 

When I came back with the drinks, poor Elvis was distraught. But by then, I was waking up and returning to my black and white world. I remembered that the ghost of Elvis Presley didn’t really roam the earth and that potatoes, with a few exceptions, don’t make good band managers.

My Technicolour World

March 1, 2012
In which Tony finds a novel way of describing a dream sequence.   Given that the subjects of Band Managers and Elvis Presley had been at the forefront of my thoughts recently, it was only natural that both would infiltrate my dreams. Natural for me anyway, which admittedly isn’t particularly natural. I was going to … Continue reading My Technicolour World →

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It all started when I saw this advert in a Marvel comic. I was young and didn't really know what I was doing. I just thought it might be nice to have a band manager around the house.

Grow your own band manager

For a while it was actually kind of cool. I called the little guy George and made sure he got enough rusks. Soon I started taking him out to gigs and people would come up to us making conversation. It was a pretty good way of meeting girls.

But they grow up so fast. Just like the advert said, it was only a few months before he was going to gigs on his own and signing bands he couldn't possibly help. And the bands didn't know any better, they just saw a guy they thought was going to make them stars. But I saw the reality. And it frightened me.

I bought him a guitar to try and encourage his interest in music and, to give him his due, he did actually strut around the house with it and strike poses in front of the mirror. But then he tried playing it and I knew we were in trouble. He had no musical talent, and without that he would make an ideal band manager.

Now he's out there signing god-knows-who and promising all kinds of things to unwary wannabes. I feel terribly guilty about the whole situation. But what can I do? When I first sent away for the seeds I had no idea just what they meant by 'gibbering assholes.'

George Lyttleton, Band Manager: The Early Years

February 10, 2012
It all started when I saw this advert in a Marvel comic. I was young and didn't really know what I was doing. I just thought it might be nice to have a band manager around the house. For a while it was actually kind of cool. I called the little guy George and made … Continue reading George Lyttleton, Band Manager: The Early Years →

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In which LaFlamme's timely appearance saves Tony from more unnecessary pain at the hands of band manager George Lyttleton.

 

It was another throwback to Lyttleton’s 70’s musical pedigree.

“I’ve written a piece for the gatefold,” he said. What kind of gate is only four inches wide? I took the hand-written note and gazed at it blankly. “I think a written piece adds weight to the release, don’t you?” he continued. “We want it to have impact. It can’t just go off like a damp squid.” Once again, Lyttleton’s seafood obsession coloured his language. This time I was almost being drawn in to his world and finding the image of a damp squid going off sufficiently daunting.

Luckily at this point LaFlamme made a surprise appearance, arriving just in time to spare me having to read the piece. Lyttleton rose.

“LaFlamme,” he said, bowing his head slightly. This was unnecessary as she was already a head taller.

“I’m usually very good with names,” said LaFlamme, “but I’ve deliberately forgotten yours.”

Lyttleton shifted uneasily. “Well, I think we’re pretty much done here,” he said. There had been no mention of budget and that’s the way Lyttleton liked it. People like me should simply appreciate the privilege of working with such great talent and relish being a moth around a great flame.

“We can discuss costs later,” I suggested.

“Costs,” he said vaguely, as if unfamiliar with the term. “Yes. Of course.” He left to continue building his empire elsewhere.

LaFlamme meanwhile was flicking through Lyttleton’s photographs, casually dropping each in turn out of the open window.

By No Stretch Of The Imagination Can A CD Sleeve Ever Be Described As ‘Gatefold’

December 23, 2011
In which LaFlamme's timely appearance saves Tony from more unnecessary pain at the hands of band manager George Lyttleton.   It was another throwback to Lyttleton’s 70’s musical pedigree. “I’ve written a piece for the gatefold,” he said. What kind of gate is only four inches wide? I took the hand-written note and gazed at … Continue reading By No Stretch Of The Imagination Can A CD Sleeve Ever Be Described As ‘Gatefold’ →

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In which Tony takes design direction from band manager and knob George Lyttleton.

 

“In the meantime," said Lyttleton, after outlining his plans for the formation of an executive production company, "one of our stable has a new album coming out, and we have the usual artwork requirements.”

“Who’s the artist?” I asked.

“It’s not important.”

“Just out of interest.”

“A singer-songwriter by the name of Campbell.”

“Glen by any chance?”

“That’s right,” he said. “Campbell Glen.” I made a mental note never to make jokes with Lyttleton as he had no recognisable sense of humour.

“I’ve brought some photographs,” he continued, producing a hard-backed envelope which I proceeded to open. They were pictures of himself in various holiday locations, grinning cheesily at the camera.

“Wouldn’t it have been better to bring pictures of the singer?” I asked.

“Well yes, but I didn’t want to prejudice your design. It’s important to me that you employ whatever type of image you see fit, I have no clams about that.”

“You have no clams?”

“That’s right,” he said. “I don’t care.” Lyttleton may have been as confused as I was generally but even I wouldn’t mistake misgivings for shellfish.

George Lyttleton Has No Clams

December 10, 2011
In which Tony takes design direction from band manager and knob George Lyttleton.   “In the meantime," said Lyttleton, after outlining his plans for the formation of an executive production company, "one of our stable has a new album coming out, and we have the usual artwork requirements.” “Who’s the artist?” I asked. “It’s not … Continue reading George Lyttleton Has No Clams →

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In which Tony is visited by band manager and 'executive producer' George Lyttleton.

 

3pm

I awoke to the sound of the doorbell with a deep sense of dread. This was normal. Today it was doubly normal as I knew who was outside ringing it.

Band managers aren’t normally able to show their face in the same place twice due to the likelihood of them having done something embarrassing there in the past. But Lyttleton had no shame. He’d show up anywhere. He sauntered in and sat by the window. There wasn’t a chair there but he managed to perch on the sill, and in his slightly-too-small lime suit he looked like an over-stuffed parrot.

A relic from a bygone era – the 1970’s – Lyttleton was a man who had built a music industry career around doing nothing remotely musical. Short, stocky and wildly over-confident, he was never going to allow the fact that he had no interest in music stop him from being a success in the music industry.

It wasn’t that he actively disliked music. He just didn’t understand it. Consequently, he had no appreciation of musical skill or performing ability and actually considered himself the talent. “Anybody can be in a band,” he once told me. “The real skill is management.” Lyttleton’s actual skill was in projecting the idea that his time was invaluable. Anyone granted an audience should feel humbled.

He had epic delusions of grandeur. Despite the fact he was strictly a small-time operator, he insisted on giving his company overblown, grandiose names and having ‘associate executives’ who were other no-talent suits he had picked up on his way. There were few surprises for me when he outlined his plans.

“I’m about to announce the formation of a new arm of the business,” he began. “An executive production company called ‘Overhead Communications.’”

“Why Overhead?” I asked.

“It’s an umbrella group,” he replied. That’s what I get for asking. “A holding company for the other divisions.”

“How many divisions do you have there?” I asked, and regretted this question too as he rattled off a list of probably fictitious company names making frequent use of the words ‘incorporated’, ‘conglommerates’ and ‘united.’

It turns out an executive production company is one that doesn't produce anything, which is quite a feat for a production company. I couldn't wait to see what he had lined up for me.

Doubly Normal

December 2, 2011
In which Tony is visited by band manager and 'executive producer' George Lyttleton.   3pm I awoke to the sound of the doorbell with a deep sense of dread. This was normal. Today it was doubly normal as I knew who was outside ringing it. Band managers aren’t normally able to show their face in … Continue reading Doubly Normal →

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"Back in the old days I would just be getting home round about now. In fact, Phil Lynott and I would have tanked a bottle of Smirnoff before we even put on our makeup. But having been shown the hooch equivalent of a red card sometime in the eighties - don't ask when, it's a blur - it's been a 6am rise ever since.

The band are rehearsing today. At least I think they're rehearsing. I don't really keep that close a watch on them. ‘Exploit from a distance', that's what I say. For one thing, it saves walking around with a clothes peg on my nose.

I heard the new material and apparently some of it's pretty good. This I know for a fact because one of the execs told me so. ‘Never trust your own judgement when others can judge for you,' that's what I say.

So I begin the day's business by glancing at some of the emails I get: the usual collection of losers looking to hang on to my coat tails, now that I can afford coat tails. Every no-talent muso within a thousand mile radius wants me. They're like moths at a great flame.

Let's face it: anybody can be in a band. The real talent is in management."

- George Lyttleton, Band Manager

George Lyttleton’s 6am Bugle Call

January 30, 2009
"Back in the old days I would just be getting home round about now. In fact, Phil Lynott and I would have tanked a bottle of Smirnoff before we even put on our makeup. But having been shown the hooch equivalent of a red card sometime in the eighties - don't ask when, it's a … Continue reading George Lyttleton’s 6am Bugle Call →

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The following are the liner notes from the new cd by ESRE:

"I used to play guitar. Seriously. I was the only guy around who could play ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water' using just two chords. I bowled them over alright. People said I should ‘desist', but I was never that keen on protest songs.

When I turned to managing bands in the 1970's, it was a rich period in pop history. Managers could have their pick of any number of great groups back then. There was 10cc, Roxy Music, Cockney Rebel, Thin Lizzy... if only I'd picked them and not the turkeys I ended up with, I might not be here working with Neil Sommerville now.

But it's all water under the bridge. Bleeding troubled water. Which brings me to Esre. I think they could be my ‘bridge'. I think I still have a chance at the big time with these kids. And for those of you who read the papers and think you see a pattern emerging in my life - the making of a small fortune followed by tax evasion, bankruptcy, ignominy and a spell at her majesty's pleasure - let me say this: Esre are only my ticket to the first of these. I can handle the rest myself.

I may not understand their music, but when has that ever bothered managers in the past? I know a good thing when I see one. Like the first time I saw Dire Straits. Unfortunately it was at Wembley stadium so I was too late to sign them.

And it's not that I don't like Esre's sound, even though everybody knows music's gone downhill since the invention of stereo. I mean, one speaker was good enough for Phil Spector and if it wasn't broke why fix it? Spector may be a major twonk, but if Gnarls Barclay traded their four cloth ears for just one of his they might come up with a decent tune.

This aside, I think you'll agree that Esre could do wonders for my bank balance and help to erase some of the terrible things that have been said about me in the press. Who knows, they could even be as big as Simon and Garfunkel."

 

- George Lyttleton, Band Manager

 

George Lyttleton Introduces ESRE

January 29, 2009
The following are the liner notes from the new cd by ESRE: "I used to play guitar. Seriously. I was the only guy around who could play ‘Bridge Over Troubled Water' using just two chords. I bowled them over alright. People said I should ‘desist', but I was never that keen on protest songs. When … Continue reading George Lyttleton Introduces ESRE →

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