This is an excerpt from Caledonian Dreaming by author and political analyst Gerry Hassan. In a section titled A Scottish Sense of Play and Subversion, he features my Margaret Curran in Space cartoon. He also mentions Rose Garnett and I, as well as National Collective and BBC Scotlandshire. I was delighted, as play and subversion are my two favourite pastimes.
You can get the book here.
June 1, 2014
Last week, I was asked to curate @ScotVoices, the rotating Twitter account featuring a different Scot each week. I was delighted to be asked, although it was probably naïvety on their part. They gave me a set of guidelines. I didn't read them. They said people follow the account to find out about Scotland. I told them I was used to having huge amounts of fun at the expense of others and was ideal ambassador material. They let me wade right in.
Monday
I thought it was only fair to offer some sort of mini-disclaimer in case there were timid souls amongst the ScotVoices crowd.
By the time I made it over to the interactions tab there were already a few welcoming words.
And this query from noted Scotsman columnist/problem, Euan McColm.
Which was dealt with promptly.
I explained that I was the man who tried to sell a fleet of Trident nuclear submarines on Ebay, that I’d set up Regional Collective: Artists and Creatives Against Independence on behalf of Alistair Darling, and was now best known for National Collective’s Sunday Cartoons, of which this was the latest.
In case that didn’t clarify my position on Scottish Independence, I went further:
And, continuing the Gove theme:
Later, in trying to explain how we arrived at the title ‘Tony Boaks Versus The Union’, I felt it would be sensible to ask:
However, it was the following innocuous exchange which appeared to cause a problem:
At that point, this happened:
I believe it may have been the first tuba to ever break the camel’s back. But I wasn’t too worried because at the same time there was this:
After more prodding by The Scotsman’s McColm, it occurred to me that certain elements of the press might love nothing better than a ‘National Collective Guy Loses Temper, Says Something Regrettable on ScotVoices’ story.
But that was never likely.
Tuesday
Having spent Day One upsetting No campaigners, confusing Americans and alarming National Collective, I tried to avoid politics.
That lasted about ten minutes. I didn't sign up to Twitter to talk about basket-weaving.
Much conversation ensued. The general consensus was that pandas were vastly preferable to princes, and I got the distinct impression that the ScotVoices crowd considered our royal family to be a bunch of expensive duds.
Wednesday
Today there were voices expressing concern at my ‘politicising’ ScotVoices.
I believe the expectation was that, being part of National Collective, I should be discussing wish trees, knitting & Icelandic goatherding. I thought about trying to placate them, then decided against it.
Well, let me tell you, the account went like a steamtrain for the rest of the day and I pretty much sat back and let them get on with it.
The results of this ludicrously unscientific poll were as follows:
Amongst the No responses, one foretold - in great subsequent detail - how it would lead to Bosnian-style violence:
Another described it as “silly” and continued:
I said The Scotsman would tend to agree with her - their editorials generally announce 'Scottish Independence: What's The Point?' every day of the week. Surprisingly, on hearing this, up popped The Scotsman’s assistant editor, Nick Eardley.
That he felt this was something he should rise to defend made me think there was doubt in his mind, so I offered a suggestion for the following day's leader:
Thursday
At this point in the week I am generally wondering what to draw for the Sunday Cartoon. As Rose Garnett wasn’t around, I dressed up my bone-idleness as a ‘collaborative group project’ and asked the ScotVoices crowd for ideas.
Initially it was slim pickings, with the only possibility being 'Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre riding a dinosaur with naked lassies on a rocket ship blasting into Ed Miliband's bum' (@Masterwiggins). However, I had to turn this down as nobody has ever seen Paul Dacre.
This had a galvanising effect and the suggestions came thick and fast. It reminded me that there’s nothing like abuse for getting things done.
Some of these weren’t even that bad, and gave me the sense that the Tory Party Conference should feature. When this message arrived however, my heart sank:
I had become ‘the guy who draws Blair McDougall in a funny wig.’
Friday
I awoke with an overwhelming sense of dread. I was having a serious cartoonist’s block and all I could do was blame others for the predicament:
My weekend, on the other hand, was likely to involve more tiresome Bacchanalian feasting and the occasional raising of my weary head from the bosom of some maiden to draw speech bubbles.
I spent the rest of the day doing everything I could to avoid the issue. I complained that I didn’t really want to be a cartoonist and my current situation was entirely the fault of Scotland On Sunday’s Kenny Farquharson.
At which point, in stepped the man himself.
Which @Gknollington saw right through:
This of course was all displacement activity. Eventually, I was rumbled.
Saturday
The situation was now critical. I had made a big deal about producing a collaborative Sunday Cartoon and here I was on Saturday without a single idea in my head. I couldn’t very well say ‘You know that cartoon we were discussing? Not going to happen.’
I wasted even more time with a #ScotVoicesWisdom thread, hoping something would come up.
But ScotVoices readers were not fooled. This was ‘bawbaggery of the highest order’ (@johnferguson88).
Mercifully, at this point Rose Garnett arrived and poured a sherry-like substance into two glasses.
“What’s the story?” she asked.
“Tory party conference,” I replied.
“What do you have so far?”
“’It's Raining Bastards.’”
She shot me a glance so icy that I thought I might turn to stone. A painful ten minutes passed while she got to grips with the details.
“It’s not that the Tories don’t care about losing Scotland,” she said finally. “It’s just that they think there’s no chance of it happening.”
This was something of a eureka moment for me, and five minutes later I was able to announce the following:
And several hours later, this:
Sunday
You can see the finished piece here.
So what had I learnt from my week’s incarceration at ScotVoices Tower?
As if to confirm that this was indeed the case, The Scotsman's McColm reappeared.
But nobody paid him any attention. I was on a roll.
Finally, I signed off with this:
For more abuse & information on all-body home-perming kits, follow me @gregmoodie.
By Alistair Darling
Now look. I only got into this because of that Joyce McMillan and her ‘all the artists are voting Yes’ nonsense. This may or may not be true, but if it is, it’s because Alex Salmond promised them a washing-free independent Scotland. If he’d said independence meant getting out of bed sober before noon and looking presentable, they’d very soon come around to Better Together.
Of course there are Scottish artists who support the UK. There must be. Just because I haven’t met any doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Admittedly we’re lacking any equivalent of that dreadful National Collective and their woeful bleatings about wishing trees and Icelandic goat herders. Even their cartoons are poor. I haven’t been in a single one of them. Better Together’s lack in this regard may not necessarily be a bad thing. Do you really want 500 Questions dressed up as an extended prose poem? Or a demolition of the SNP’s currency plans in rap?
But not to be outdone, I have taken the initiative and set up a new website, Regional Collective – Artists and Creatives Against Scottish Independence, as a platform for No-voting artistic types. You know who you are, even if I don’t. Let this be a starting point for a new flourishing of anti-independence bile in the creative arts.
Why me, I hear you ask. Well, somebody has to do it. I may not be much of an artist but I’m certainly creative. As Chancellor of the Exchequer, I was the one who bailed out the banks with your money, a hugely imaginative act which I’m sure would never have occurred to any of you; I’ve flipped for Britain, having designated four properties as my second home in four years; and I claimed parliamentary expenses for a flat that I let out whilst also claiming living allowances for Downing Street. I’d like to see Alan Bissett try that.
So, on to the website. My first challenge was to design a logo. Now, my understanding of typesetting is that you should use as many different colours and styles as possible but stick to well-known fonts such as Comic Sans and Brush Script for maximum effect. Hence, my first effort:
The result of this was that I had to get Ian Taylor to pay National Collective for the logo at the top of the page. We may not have any design sense but we certainly have a truckload of cash, and in politics that’s what counts.
What about the actual content of the site? Well, let’s start with photography. And just to show we can do Icelandic goat-herders as well as any secessionists bent on breaking up Britain, here’s a man with a bucket:
I’m not seeing any ice in this particular shot but I’m led to believe the most amazing results can be achieved with Photoshop. Whether that extends to painting in a grassroots artists’ collective that doesn’t exist remains to be seen.
Next – a poem in the Scots tongue:
But pith and power, till my last hour, I’ll mak this declaration; We’re bought and sold for English gold, Such a parcel of incredibly dedicated and hard-working public servants in a nation.
Perhaps the biggest challenge for the website would be in the field of illustration as, unlike photography and poetry, it requires some skill. I set out with pencil and paper, thinking a self-portrait might give the site a little character:
And so it did. It gave it a little character with bushy eyebrows waving a flag. Once again, I had to get Ian Taylor to pay National Collective for the portrait below, even though I’m not convinced it’s a particularly true likeness.
If this exercise proves nothing else, we’ve shown we can keep National Collective in work.
One final point. Let it never be said that Better Together are offering a politics of fear rather than any kind of positive vision. Of course we’re offering a positive vision – if you vote Yes, you’re positively screwed.
Now, calling all No-supporting artists. Are you there? Hello?
Ok, call me.
Bluesky
Email
Facebook
Share on Bluesky