You could hardly sue them for misrepresentation of the facts - the name 'Twitter' said it all. But uncovering your client's 140-character musings had its attractions, especially when the client was Ignacious Spore.

10^th Nov 2008. Spore: "Found suitable patsy to dupe with misleading trail of non-existent symbols. Meeting Stephen Fry later."

Admittedly, I would follow a trail of peanuts if they were laid out with a modicum of design sense. But at this stage there was nothing more than that to suggest I was the patsy in question. I continued to read.

1^st Dec 2008. Spore: "Discussed fiscal arrangements with FF. Met Fry again and have decided he's a knob."

There was only one FF worth the name and that was LaFlamme. So the raven-haired minx was in collusion with Spore? And who the hell was this Fry character?

Feb 8^th 2009. Spore: "Framing the patsy later today. Fry has taken the huff."

A panic attack of seismic proportions began to take hold as I realised I was being overwhelmed by information. I had the urge to start removing clothes, but with Spore's picture and Fry's omnipresence this seemed improper.

I calmed myself with thoughts of giving up computers forever, and living in an electricity-free state. Eventually, I managed to skip forward to the current week. This time, there was a single entry:

29^th Mar 2009. Spore: "Fait Accompli."

Fait Accompli? The panic passed but was now replaced by all-out alarm. Whatever the loon-supreme was up to, I sure as hell didn't want it accompli-ed, with or without Stephen Fry.