It all started when I saw this advert in a Marvel comic. I was young and didn't really know what I was doing. I just thought it might be nice to have a band manager around the house.

For a while it was actually kind of cool. I called the little guy George and made sure he got enough rusks. Soon I started taking him out to gigs and people would come up to us making conversation. It was a pretty good way of meeting girls.

But they grow up so fast. Just like the advert said, it was only a few months before he was going to gigs on his own and signing bands he couldn't possibly help. And the bands didn't know any better, they just saw a guy they thought was going to make them stars. But I saw the reality. And it frightened me.

I bought him a guitar to try and encourage his interest in music and, to give him his due, he did actually strut around the house with it and strike poses in front of the mirror. But then he tried playing it and I knew we were in trouble. He had no musical talent, and without that he would make an ideal band manager.

Now he's out there signing god-knows-who and promising all kinds of things to unwary wannabes. I feel terribly guilty about the whole situation. But what can I do? When I first sent away for the seeds I had no idea just what they meant by 'gibbering assholes.'