Category Archives: Graphic Design Dilemmas

You could hardly sue them for misrepresentation of the facts - the name 'Twitter' said it all. But uncovering your client's 140-character musings had its attractions, especially when the client was Ignacious Spore.

10th Nov 2008. Spore: "Found suitable patsy to dupe with misleading trail of non-existent symbols. Meeting Stephen Fry later."

Admittedly, I would follow a trail of peanuts if they were laid out with a modicum of design sense. But at this stage there was nothing more than that to suggest I was the patsy in question. I continued to read.

1st Dec 2008. Spore: "Discussed fiscal arrangements with FF. Met Fry again and have decided he's a knob."

There was only one FF worth the name and that was LaFlamme. So the raven-haired minx was in collusion with Spore? And who the hell was this Fry character?

Feb 8th 2009. Spore: "Framing the patsy later today. Fry has taken the huff."

A panic attack of seismic proportions began to take hold as I realised I was being overwhelmed by information. I had the urge to start removing clothes, but with Spore's picture and Fry's omnipresence this seemed improper.

I calmed myself with thoughts of giving up computers forever, and living in an electricity-free state. Eventually, I managed to skip forward to the current week. This time, there was a single entry:

29th Mar 2009. Spore: "Fait Accompli."

Fait Accompli? The panic passed but was now replaced by all-out alarm. Whatever the loon-supreme was up to, I sure as hell didn't want it accompli-ed, with or without Stephen Fry.

My Client Calls Stephen Fry A Knob

April 1, 2009
You could hardly sue them for misrepresentation of the facts - the name 'Twitter' said it all. But uncovering your client's 140-character musings had its attractions, especially when the client was Ignacious Spore. 10th Nov 2008. Spore: "Found suitable patsy to dupe with misleading trail of non-existent symbols. Meeting Stephen Fry later." Admittedly, I would … Continue reading My Client Calls Stephen Fry A Knob →

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The discovery that my design client Ignacious Spore had been using Twitter had jolted me out of my force ten apathy towards the micro blogging site.

Spore had already sent me on a wild goose chase involving the worst logo in the world, Jack Daniels, and the raven-haired minx Fifi LaFlamme (who was now a best-selling author after her self-help book 'Help Yourself To Drink' had gone top ten).

His nefarious activities began with a request that I analyse the religious symbology of his 'IS' monogram, in the mistaken belief that I was a certain Harvard professor. This column had become increasingly silly ever since.

But the fact that the slippery nutjob could have been posting 140-character clues on the utterly pointless typing-based me-fest that is Twitter was just too intriguing to pass up.

My path was clear. I clicked 'follow.'

My Client Right Or Wrong

March 20, 2009
The discovery that my design client Ignacious Spore had been using Twitter had jolted me out of my force ten apathy towards the micro blogging site. Spore had already sent me on a wild goose chase involving the worst logo in the world, Jack Daniels, and the raven-haired minx Fifi LaFlamme (who was now a best-selling author … Continue reading My Client Right Or Wrong →

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The Admiral had explained 'twittering' to me in words of one syllable and yet I still found the concept baffling. I asked for a diagram.

Later that evening I began to explore for myself. There had to be a reason for the popularity of this typing-based pastime and I was determined to find it.

I arrived at the conclusion that the world was in the grip of typing-induced delirium, because after several hours spent amongst all this random keyboard spawn, I was unable to find any actual writing.

I was also finding it difficult to see the possible attraction in following the nonsensical ramblings of strangers when I could barely follow my own.

But just when I was about to give up on the idea altogether and slide into coma-level apathy, I stumbled upon a correspondent by the oddly familiar name of @Spore, who was about to change my opinion altogether.

Twitter: The Typing Sickness

March 18, 2009
The Admiral had explained 'twittering' to me in words of one syllable and yet I still found the concept baffling. I asked for a diagram. Later that evening I began to explore for myself. There had to be a reason for the popularity of this typing-based pastime and I was determined to find it. I … Continue reading Twitter: The Typing Sickness →

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Even though the Admiral was using a mobile phone rather than a keyboard, I still felt that he was essentially typing. But he took issue with this, insisting he was neither typing nor texting, but in fact 'twittering.'

"Twittering?" I queried. "Not typing?"

"Hmm."

"Not texting?"

"That's right. It's when you describe in 140 characters or less what you are doing. Let me give you an example." He began poking at the device. "Going to meet my colleague, the eminent psychologist Lydia Pine-Coffin." He looked pleased with this.

"But you're not. You're typing."

"Well yes, but you misunderstand. It's about social networking, it's about micro blogging."

"It's about typing." I took the device and punched in the following letters: 'hav just stuffd my armdillo and now thinkng tacos for brekfst.' I showed him this marvellous piece of prose. "Typing."

"You're being childish now," he scolded. "Deliberately obtuse."

"Bum bum bum," I retaliated, deciding to stick with childish rather than have to look up obtuse. "You don't need 140 characters to describe what you're doing. Just write 'typing.'"

But it seemed the Admiral was far from alone. Most people's list of hobbies would be headed with 'typing' if they ever dared admit it. Maybe it was like going to the bathroom - I enjoy my rest breaks but I wouldn't necessarily class them as a hobby.

More Joy Of Typing

March 12, 2009
Even though the Admiral was using a mobile phone rather than a keyboard, I still felt that he was essentially typing. But he took issue with this, insisting he was neither typing nor texting, but in fact 'twittering.' "Twittering?" I queried. "Not typing?" "Hmm." "Not texting?" "That's right. It's when you describe in 140 characters … Continue reading More Joy Of Typing →

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I went to visit the Admiral hoping he might be able to explain the Da Vinci Code to me in semaphore or some other language I might understand. I felt the story may help me solve the mystery behind the worst logo in the world, but I wasn't so committed to the idea that I would read all 600 pages myself.

I found the Admiral in typical pose, hunched over some miniscule technical device, poking and prodding, his milk-bottle glasses growing thicker by the hour.

But it turned out this wasn't another piece of his electronic fiddling. He was texting, and the miniscule device was in fact a phone.

It was difficult to see how this gadget could be dialled by anyone outside Lilliput, and this gave rise to my theory that either phones were shrinking or my hands were expanding at an alarming rate.

And just when I was getting to my next question - how could a form of typing ever become so popular? - the Admiral dropped a bombshell. He wasn't typing. He was 'twittering.'

The Joy Of Typing

March 3, 2009
I went to visit the Admiral hoping he might be able to explain the Da Vinci Code to me in semaphore or some other language I might understand. I felt the story may help me solve the mystery behind the worst logo in the world, but I wasn't so committed to the idea that I … Continue reading The Joy Of Typing →

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"I believe your logo may be haunted," I informed Ignacious Spore, when I finally managed to tear myself away from his deceptively simple ‘IS' monogram and pick up the phone.

I had revised my opinion of the worst logo in the world after an afternoon spent locked up in it's presence without any drink. Initial revulsion turned to playful curiosity which turned to semi-religious epiphany, as I became transfixed with the zen-like beauty of the word ‘is'. Unfortunately this was followed by nausea.

My client sensed my emotional state and decided to tread carefully. "My dear boy, have you lost your bleeding marbles?" He was a sensitive soul.

But I knew Spore had been secretly searching for the Holy Grail and I believed he'd be interested in knowing this logo might hold the key.

"Ok maybe not haunted but it's definitely creepy."

This was where my knowledge of the Da Vinci Code let me down. If I could have wowed him with some nonsense about priories and keystones, he might have taken more interest. But I had nothing. There just weren't many possibilities for an anagram of the word ‘is.'

The Holy Grail Of Graphic Design

February 23, 2009
"I believe your logo may be haunted," I informed Ignacious Spore, when I finally managed to tear myself away from his deceptively simple ‘IS' monogram and pick up the phone. I had revised my opinion of the worst logo in the world after an afternoon spent locked up in it's presence without any drink. Initial … Continue reading The Holy Grail Of Graphic Design →

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So today it was just me and my shaky design skills. I avoided all the usual distractions: email, phone, Mongol hordes at the door. I had to break the spell of the blank canvas syndrome, which had so crippled me over the last few days.

I received a fax from my client Ignacious Spore. I'm not sure how, because I don't have a fax machine. It read ‘Are you up yet?' There was no escape.

I began to study the worst logo in the world - a simple monogram of the letters ‘IS' in a relative of Helvetica. Spore had limited imagination. The bold forms of the letters twisted and turned in my mind, and seconds evolved into minutes which became hours.

Eventually I could only see the monogram as a word. The word ‘is'. In the intensity of my concentration the word began to take on a mystical form. It was zen-like in its beauty and simplicity. Maybe this was the religious symbology that Spore was referring to.

Maybe in fact it wasn't the worst logo in the world. Maybe it was brilliant. Maybe it was like the ‘fcuk' logo - it was so appalling it had to be genius.

Just The Fax

February 19, 2009
So today it was just me and my shaky design skills. I avoided all the usual distractions: email, phone, Mongol hordes at the door. I had to break the spell of the blank canvas syndrome, which had so crippled me over the last few days. I received a fax from my client Ignacious Spore. I'm … Continue reading Just The Fax →

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I hate starting a new project. I'll do anything to avoid it. If there's a ball of string that needs untangled I'll do that first. I reckon with all the time I've spent procrastinating, I could easily have taught myself violin to a level worthy of Menuhin.

Here's the pattern. Client comes to me with some simple design chore. I tell them it's unfeasibly difficult, will take a month and cost the earth. But I assure them it'll be taken care of and they go away happy because now it's some other sucker's problem.

Then I spend three weeks staring into space, tormenting the cats and generally avoiding the issue. Client may ask to ‘see something' during this period but can always be fobbed off with some nonsense or other. Finally, after a great deal of unease, I'll kick the turkey into shape, wrap it up in three days and get it out the door before anybody gets twitchy.

It's not that I'm lazy. Far from it. I have a psychological condition - a near pathological aversion to the gaping void that stretches before me on each new task. They call it blank canvas syndrome. Until it's filled with something - anything - I'd rather waste my life doing something even more pointless.

Blank Canvas Syndrome

February 15, 2009
I hate starting a new project. I'll do anything to avoid it. If there's a ball of string that needs untangled I'll do that first. I reckon with all the time I've spent procrastinating, I could easily have taught myself violin to a level worthy of Menuhin. Here's the pattern. Client comes to me with … Continue reading Blank Canvas Syndrome →

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You may be wondering what all this has to do with graphic design. Well so am I. But what does anything have to do with anything nowadays? I mean, I bought the Da Vinci Code thinking it had something to do with literature, and where did that get me? I'll tell you - page five.

The fact is it was graphic design that got us into this mess. My client Spore had asked me to analyse the worst logo in the world for its religious symbology, and rather than shatter his belief that I studied the subject at Harvard, I accepted the commission. It had been a lean month.

Having taken the problem first to possible genius the Admiral, who pondered it at length before getting sidetracked trying to split the internet, and then to Fifi LaFlamme, whose sherry-like substances left me giddy but no further forward, it seemed I had exhausted all the routes open to me.

There was only one thing left and it was a nightmare scenario. I was going to have to actually do some work.

What Does All This Have To Do With Graphic Design?

February 13, 2009
You may be wondering what all this has to do with graphic design. Well so am I. But what does anything have to do with anything nowadays? I mean, I bought the Da Vinci Code thinking it had something to do with literature, and where did that get me? I'll tell you - page five. … Continue reading What Does All This Have To Do With Graphic Design? →

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It occurred to me that LaFlamme and I might have stumbled onto something that would become one of the greatest mysteries of all time. But then I thought we probably hadn't, and went back to darning my socks.

Certainly the encrypted message that turned out to spell Jack Daniels had so far led to nothing but giddiness, and I had failed to find a connection between it and the worst logo in the world, as my client Ignacious Spore had requested.

"We need help. Professional help," said LaFlamme with determination.

"Yes, you're right," I replied enthusiastically. "I know a professor of religious symbology who could help us get to the bottom of this."

"Actually I was thinking of Rehab. But your idea's good too."

There was no doubt about it. With LaFlamme, life had thrown me a curve ball.

The Greatest Mystery Of All Time – Or At Least Today

February 11, 2009
It occurred to me that LaFlamme and I might have stumbled onto something that would become one of the greatest mysteries of all time. But then I thought we probably hadn't, and went back to darning my socks. Certainly the encrypted message that turned out to spell Jack Daniels had so far led to nothing … Continue reading The Greatest Mystery Of All Time – Or At Least Today →

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All text and images are copyright Greg Moodie. Do not use without express permission.