Tag Archives: admiral

I hadn't actually won it yet but I'd decided this would be the name of my best-selling memoir after my brilliant idea (see December 3rd) had taken the world by storm.

The Admiral pointed out that it would be unusual for a graphic designer to win the Nobel Prize for science, so I reluctantly conceded that I was happy to share the honour with him and his planet-sized cranium.

Splitting the Internet into three was such an obvious thing to do, I wondered why nobody else had thought of it. I tried to recall any precedents. They split the atom and that turned out ok, didn't it?

I left the Admiral to take the initial steps, which presumably involved some vast feats of calculus between the computer and the coffee machine. I had other things on my mind.

With belated world-recognition all but a done deal, I decided it was time to pay LaFlamme a return visit. I had some questions for her regarding a certain lowlife client of mine, one Ignacious Spore.

How I Won The Nobel Prize

December 5, 2008
I hadn't actually won it yet but I'd decided this would be the name of my best-selling memoir after my brilliant idea (see December 3rd) had taken the world by storm. The Admiral pointed out that it would be unusual for a graphic designer to win the Nobel Prize for science, so I reluctantly conceded … Continue reading How I Won The Nobel Prize →

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My barking client Spore had introduced me to Internet café owner and possible genius the Admiral, in an attempt to help me solve the riddle of the world's worst logo.

The Admiral did his technical heavyweight best, even explaining the concept of blogging to me, something I found impossibly silly. But it was this explanation and the dawning realisation that the internet was clogged to the gills with drivel that led to my brilliant idea:

We could split the internet.

That's right, split it into three: web logs, pornography, and the third piece of the trinity - stuff I might find useful. I hated typing all those w's anyway. Now they could have one each. It was crystal clear to me and obviously Nobel-worthy.

w.blogs.com

w.porn.com

w.stuffimightfinduseful.com

I ran the idea past the Admiral and sensed him making a mental connection between great knowledge and great wealth. He was only short on the latter.

"There are manifold logistical ramifications," he said. I wasn't sure if this was good or bad. I wondered if he fully understood the magnitude of the concept, because he clearly didn't feel threatened by my intellectual stature. "But it just might be possible.."

My Brilliant Idea

December 3, 2008
My barking client Spore had introduced me to Internet café owner and possible genius the Admiral, in an attempt to help me solve the riddle of the world's worst logo. The Admiral did his technical heavyweight best, even explaining the concept of blogging to me, something I found impossibly silly. But it was this explanation … Continue reading My Brilliant Idea →

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LaFlamme could type like fury, but the Admiral could use all ten fingers. I took this as a sign of great intellect, as I believe the correct use of a keyboard is taught at phd level in the finest schools. In fact they say that in the future, dexterous digits will be hugely evolutionarily advantageous.

Another sign of his gargantuan brainpower was the sheer impenetrability of his explanations.  Even after he relayed the concept of ‘web logs' to me several times, I still couldn't grasp it. I always recognise brilliance by my inability to understand it.

Apparently ‘web logs' are daily diaries written by ordinary stiffs for the purpose of.. here I was unsure. What were they for? And who were they for? He showed me several examples. I just thought none of these clowns should be clogging up the guy's computer with their twaddle. But it was obviously brilliant.

The Admiral said they were ‘good for search engines,' although how being awash in a sea of drivel could be good for anything, let alone any kind of engine, was beyond me.

I'd always thought that the internet was just a vast vault of pornography, exquisitely designed and laid out by some other underpaid and cowering graphic designer. But now it seemed there was an equally vast vault of meaningless typeset gibberish battling it for dominance. How was anything I might find useful ever going to compete with these two behemoths?

But that's when I had my brilliant idea.

A Sea Of Drivel (.com)

December 1, 2008
LaFlamme could type like fury, but the Admiral could use all ten fingers. I took this as a sign of great intellect, as I believe the correct use of a keyboard is taught at phd level in the finest schools. In fact they say that in the future, dexterous digits will be hugely evolutionarily advantageous. … Continue reading A Sea Of Drivel (.com) →

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My barking client Spore awakes
My barking client Spore awakes

"Oh my god, he's dead!" I cried out, on seeing my client's pentacle-decorated body on the floor.

Spore sat bolt upright. "Dead? I'm not dead. I always sleep like this." He shook himself awake.

"What's with the satanic cross?" I asked suspiciously. I already knew Spore was barking, and that was before I saw a five-point star on his nightshirt.

"You ought to know that symbol is no more evil in origin than the swastika," he declared. He still had me confused with the professor of Religious Symbology at Harvard.

"Look Spore, I'll come to the point." I didn't want to waste any more time with this nutjob. "I need an advance." I explained about the theft of my computer and how I'd been led astray by a wild woman.

"You disappoint me, dear boy," he replied, his fingers making a revolting waxy sound in connection with his ear. "Let me introduce you to somebody who might be able to help."

He donned his familiar gabardine and we set out towards the shopping precinct. Finally we reached what used to be Geiger's bookstore. A sign now said ‘Internet Café.'

Spore pointed to a short stocky man with a balding pate. "Meet the Admiral," he said.

Religious Symbology: Should I Care?

November 28, 2008
My barking client Spore awakes "Oh my god, he's dead!" I cried out, on seeing my client's pentacle-decorated body on the floor. Spore sat bolt upright. "Dead? I'm not dead. I always sleep like this." He shook himself awake. "What's with the satanic cross?" I asked suspiciously. I already knew Spore was barking, and that was before I saw … Continue reading Religious Symbology: Should I Care? →

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