blank canvas syndrome

I hate starting a new project. I'll do anything to avoid it. If there's a ball of string that needs untangled I'll do that first. I reckon with all the time I've spent procrastinating, I could easily have taught myself violin to a level worthy of Menuhin.

Here's the pattern. Client comes to me with some simple design chore. I tell them it's unfeasibly difficult, will take a month and cost the earth. But I assure them it'll be taken care of and they go away happy because now it's some other sucker's problem.

Then I spend three weeks staring into space, tormenting the cats and generally avoiding the issue. Client may ask to ‘see something' during this period but can always be fobbed off with some nonsense or other. Finally, after a great deal of unease, I'll kick the turkey into shape, wrap it up in three days and get it out the door before anybody gets twitchy.

It's not that I'm lazy. Far from it. I have a psychological condition - a near pathological aversion to the gaping void that stretches before me on each new task. They call it blank canvas syndrome. Until it's filled with something - anything - I'd rather waste my life doing something even more pointless.

I always thought anagrams, like jigsaws, were for people who had never discovered laziness. Why would I waste precious loafing hours trying to fix something that was deliberately broken to keep you people and your overactive lobes happy?

This particular anagram, ‘Jackal dines,' was perplexing in the extreme. I didn't want to get into it but once again LaFlamme had skilfully manipulated my free will. Now I was compelled to consume large quantities of bourbon and decipher my client's cryptic note.

Thoughts of ravenous jackals raced through my fevered mind. I say ‘raced' but ‘wandered pointlessly' would be more apt. These jackals were in no hurry. The only thing that ever raced through my mind was bewilderment.

Suddenly LaFlamme stirred. "I hate to say this but... Jack Daniels," she declared.

"No, no more for me thanks."

"No, Dumbo, Jack Daniels is the answer!" I thought for a moment she was about to burst into song. And I wasn't sure I liked her tone.

"It's MISTER Dumbo if you don't mind," I corrected her.

"You can be Emperor Dumbo if you like," she replied. "Don't you see? It's been staring us in the face. Literally."

She hovered the JD bottle before me, as if practising hypnosis, and slowly it began to sink in. But LaFlamme needed no practise. I'd been hypnotised for years.

GREGMOODIE

Tag Archives: blank canvas syndrome

Blank Canvas Syndrome

An Unwelcome Cure For Laziness