Tag Archives: spore

You could hardly sue them for misrepresentation of the facts - the name 'Twitter' said it all. But uncovering your client's 140-character musings had its attractions, especially when the client was Ignacious Spore.

10th Nov 2008. Spore: "Found suitable patsy to dupe with misleading trail of non-existent symbols. Meeting Stephen Fry later."

Admittedly, I would follow a trail of peanuts if they were laid out with a modicum of design sense. But at this stage there was nothing more than that to suggest I was the patsy in question. I continued to read.

1st Dec 2008. Spore: "Discussed fiscal arrangements with FF. Met Fry again and have decided he's a knob."

There was only one FF worth the name and that was LaFlamme. So the raven-haired minx was in collusion with Spore? And who the hell was this Fry character?

Feb 8th 2009. Spore: "Framing the patsy later today. Fry has taken the huff."

A panic attack of seismic proportions began to take hold as I realised I was being overwhelmed by information. I had the urge to start removing clothes, but with Spore's picture and Fry's omnipresence this seemed improper.

I calmed myself with thoughts of giving up computers forever, and living in an electricity-free state. Eventually, I managed to skip forward to the current week. This time, there was a single entry:

29th Mar 2009. Spore: "Fait Accompli."

Fait Accompli? The panic passed but was now replaced by all-out alarm. Whatever the loon-supreme was up to, I sure as hell didn't want it accompli-ed, with or without Stephen Fry.

My Client Calls Stephen Fry A Knob

April 1, 2009
You could hardly sue them for misrepresentation of the facts - the name 'Twitter' said it all. But uncovering your client's 140-character musings had its attractions, especially when the client was Ignacious Spore. 10th Nov 2008. Spore: "Found suitable patsy to dupe with misleading trail of non-existent symbols. Meeting Stephen Fry later." Admittedly, I would … Continue reading My Client Calls Stephen Fry A Knob →

More Graphic Design Dilemmas >>

The discovery that my design client Ignacious Spore had been using Twitter had jolted me out of my force ten apathy towards the micro blogging site.

Spore had already sent me on a wild goose chase involving the worst logo in the world, Jack Daniels, and the raven-haired minx Fifi LaFlamme (who was now a best-selling author after her self-help book 'Help Yourself To Drink' had gone top ten).

His nefarious activities began with a request that I analyse the religious symbology of his 'IS' monogram, in the mistaken belief that I was a certain Harvard professor. This column had become increasingly silly ever since.

But the fact that the slippery nutjob could have been posting 140-character clues on the utterly pointless typing-based me-fest that is Twitter was just too intriguing to pass up.

My path was clear. I clicked 'follow.'

My Client Right Or Wrong

March 20, 2009
The discovery that my design client Ignacious Spore had been using Twitter had jolted me out of my force ten apathy towards the micro blogging site. Spore had already sent me on a wild goose chase involving the worst logo in the world, Jack Daniels, and the raven-haired minx Fifi LaFlamme (who was now a best-selling author … Continue reading My Client Right Or Wrong →

More Graphic Design Dilemmas >>

"I believe your logo may be haunted," I informed Ignacious Spore, when I finally managed to tear myself away from his deceptively simple ‘IS' monogram and pick up the phone.

I had revised my opinion of the worst logo in the world after an afternoon spent locked up in it's presence without any drink. Initial revulsion turned to playful curiosity which turned to semi-religious epiphany, as I became transfixed with the zen-like beauty of the word ‘is'. Unfortunately this was followed by nausea.

My client sensed my emotional state and decided to tread carefully. "My dear boy, have you lost your bleeding marbles?" He was a sensitive soul.

But I knew Spore had been secretly searching for the Holy Grail and I believed he'd be interested in knowing this logo might hold the key.

"Ok maybe not haunted but it's definitely creepy."

This was where my knowledge of the Da Vinci Code let me down. If I could have wowed him with some nonsense about priories and keystones, he might have taken more interest. But I had nothing. There just weren't many possibilities for an anagram of the word ‘is.'

The Holy Grail Of Graphic Design

February 23, 2009
"I believe your logo may be haunted," I informed Ignacious Spore, when I finally managed to tear myself away from his deceptively simple ‘IS' monogram and pick up the phone. I had revised my opinion of the worst logo in the world after an afternoon spent locked up in it's presence without any drink. Initial … Continue reading The Holy Grail Of Graphic Design →

More Graphic Design Dilemmas >>

You may be wondering what all this has to do with graphic design. Well so am I. But what does anything have to do with anything nowadays? I mean, I bought the Da Vinci Code thinking it had something to do with literature, and where did that get me? I'll tell you - page five.

The fact is it was graphic design that got us into this mess. My client Spore had asked me to analyse the worst logo in the world for its religious symbology, and rather than shatter his belief that I studied the subject at Harvard, I accepted the commission. It had been a lean month.

Having taken the problem first to possible genius the Admiral, who pondered it at length before getting sidetracked trying to split the internet, and then to Fifi LaFlamme, whose sherry-like substances left me giddy but no further forward, it seemed I had exhausted all the routes open to me.

There was only one thing left and it was a nightmare scenario. I was going to have to actually do some work.

What Does All This Have To Do With Graphic Design?

February 13, 2009
You may be wondering what all this has to do with graphic design. Well so am I. But what does anything have to do with anything nowadays? I mean, I bought the Da Vinci Code thinking it had something to do with literature, and where did that get me? I'll tell you - page five. … Continue reading What Does All This Have To Do With Graphic Design? →

More Graphic Design Dilemmas >>

Spore lay unconscious on the floor having stumbled in seconds earlier, clutching a slip of paper. I tried to determine whether he was still breathing. I may not like my clients but I don't want them dead. It's bad for business.

LaFlamme wrenched the piece of paper from his fingers and read it aloud.

"Jackals dine," she said mysteriously. We both stared at each other blankly across Spore's gangly frame.

"Jackals dine? What the hell does that mean?" I asked.

"I might have missed all the other anagrams in this story, but I'm not about to miss this one," LaFlamme replied confidently.

I had no idea what she meant, but at least the story was back on track.

My Client – D.O.A.

January 27, 2009
Spore lay unconscious on the floor having stumbled in seconds earlier, clutching a slip of paper. I tried to determine whether he was still breathing. I may not like my clients but I don't want them dead. It's bad for business. LaFlamme wrenched the piece of paper from his fingers and read it aloud. "Jackals … Continue reading My Client – D.O.A. →

More Graphic Design Dilemmas >>

"You should have stuck with the Da Vinci Code," said LaFlamme in her best I-told-you-so voice. "Then it wouldn't have taken you a month to write this next instalment."

I had to agree that the book had been the source of some of my finest jests and that having abandoned it during a particularly silly passage, what I was now missing was real comedic inspiration.

I tried watching the movie but despite being equally feeble I realised it was no match for the book's poor character development and shallow plotting, and again my interest tapered off midway.

"How can such a large book be so insubstantial?" I asked LaFlamme, as if she knew all the answers. Generally she did know all the answers, at least ones that would satisfy a dullard like me. This time was no exception.

"That's part of the skill. If you can prattle on for ages about cornerstones and priories and make people think it's important, you've cracked it."

"I suppose so," I conceded. I always think if I have to endure a 300-page tome it better explain the meaning of life at the very least.

"Let's try and kick-start this baby," LaFlamme offered, and sat down to type in her inimitable floor-shaking manner.

‘Suddenly there is a knock at the door,' she began, ‘and the client Ignacious Spore stumbles in and collapses on the floor, a slip of paper clutched in his outstretched hand.'

"That's quite good," I said, although I suspected it was from the Maltese Falcon. At least Dashiell Hammett was worth ripping off.

The Da Vinci Code And Other Comic Gems

January 25, 2009
"You should have stuck with the Da Vinci Code," said LaFlamme in her best I-told-you-so voice. "Then it wouldn't have taken you a month to write this next instalment." I had to agree that the book had been the source of some of my finest jests and that having abandoned it during a particularly silly … Continue reading The Da Vinci Code And Other Comic Gems →

More Graphic Design Dilemmas >>

"Why would my client want to kill me?" I asked LaFlamme. "I'm not that bad a designer."

It was often hard to gauge what the raven-haired minx was thinking behind the wraparounds, but I never had long to wait for an opinion.

"Spore has you heavily insured," she replied a little coyly. "You're worth more dead than alive to him."

"Insured? How can my client have insured me without my knowledge?" I demanded, confident now that I could get this whole case to unravel like one of the Admiral's bobbly cardigans. "Shouldn't I have some say in that?"

"Clients have all kinds of rights these days," she said matter-of-factly. "They need to protect their investments. It's standard procedure now." She paused to take a full-throated blast from the troublesome red, tamed now in her hands. "In fact the underwriters treat it like pet insurance."

It was hard not to feel humiliated by the notion that my life could have been quoted for alongside the family budgie's. But there it was.

"Don't worry, Spore didn't insure your talent," LaFlamme added.

"That's a pity, because he could have claimed last week when it deserted me." I paused and then spun around to face her. "So what did he insure?"

LaFlamme looked up. "Your soul," she said.

Insurance: The New Rock’n’Roll

December 23, 2008
"Why would my client want to kill me?" I asked LaFlamme. "I'm not that bad a designer." It was often hard to gauge what the raven-haired minx was thinking behind the wraparounds, but I never had long to wait for an opinion. "Spore has you heavily insured," she replied a little coyly. "You're worth more … Continue reading Insurance: The New Rock’n’Roll →

More Graphic Design Dilemmas >>

LaFlammes take on death.
LaFlamme's take on murder.

"Murder?" I asked LaFlamme. "Who's dead?"

"That's not important," she replied.

"You're telling me my design client is framing me for murder but it doesn't matter whose?" Ordinarily I'd have thought that the subject of any murder might be a critical point but LaFlamme disagreed.

"There's no death," she stated plainly.

"Murder without death?" I fired back. "That's even more unusual." I often begin these conversations with a quest for knowledge and end them settling for a quiet life.

"We both know Spore's a slippery character," LaFlamme continued, now in full flow. "He gave you the world's worst logo knowing you could never work with it. Nobody could. He figured the case would drive you crazy and then he could pin a murder on you."

"But whose murder?" I persisted.

"Yours."

Scenes Of Graphic Violence

December 22, 2008
LaFlamme's take on murder. "Murder?" I asked LaFlamme. "Who's dead?" "That's not important," she replied. "You're telling me my design client is framing me for murder but it doesn't matter whose?" Ordinarily I'd have thought that the subject of any murder might be a critical point but LaFlamme disagreed. "There's no death," she stated plainly. … Continue reading Scenes Of Graphic Violence →

More Graphic Design Dilemmas >>

I visited LaFlamme with the sole intention of grilling her on her knowledge of my client Spore's nefarious activities. Instead I was dealt a sherry-like substance and a copy of her five-book publishing contract, along with a reminder that my life still sucked.

LaFlamme had out-manoeuvred me again, and what appeared to be an impending revelation about my client made me all the more uneasy.

"Notice anything unusual about the logo?" she asked, nodding in the direction of the contract. Years of graphic design torture had left me immune to the charms of my own trade, to the extent that I now mentally blanked out anything that wasn't 10-point Times.

I took a second look at the document header. And there it was: the world's worst logo. The one that Spore asked me to investigate in the first place.

Now I may not be the sharpest guy around. In fact the Admiral described me as a ‘halfwit', but after thirty minutes in his company a man's likely to lose a great deal of his wit, along with most of his will to live.

But I can put two and two together and get a number between three and five. I gathered all my cognitive powers in an attempt to demonstrate my intelligence and perception at its most devastating and incisive, and with everything I could muster said, "I'm confused."

A Crisis Of Intelligence

December 10, 2008
I visited LaFlamme with the sole intention of grilling her on her knowledge of my client Spore's nefarious activities. Instead I was dealt a sherry-like substance and a copy of her five-book publishing contract, along with a reminder that my life still sucked. LaFlamme had out-manoeuvred me again, and what appeared to be an impending … Continue reading A Crisis Of Intelligence →

More Graphic Design Dilemmas >>

My barking client Spore had introduced me to Internet café owner and possible genius the Admiral, in an attempt to help me solve the riddle of the world's worst logo.

The Admiral did his technical heavyweight best, even explaining the concept of blogging to me, something I found impossibly silly. But it was this explanation and the dawning realisation that the internet was clogged to the gills with drivel that led to my brilliant idea:

We could split the internet.

That's right, split it into three: web logs, pornography, and the third piece of the trinity - stuff I might find useful. I hated typing all those w's anyway. Now they could have one each. It was crystal clear to me and obviously Nobel-worthy.

w.blogs.com

w.porn.com

w.stuffimightfinduseful.com

I ran the idea past the Admiral and sensed him making a mental connection between great knowledge and great wealth. He was only short on the latter.

"There are manifold logistical ramifications," he said. I wasn't sure if this was good or bad. I wondered if he fully understood the magnitude of the concept, because he clearly didn't feel threatened by my intellectual stature. "But it just might be possible.."

My Brilliant Idea

December 3, 2008
My barking client Spore had introduced me to Internet café owner and possible genius the Admiral, in an attempt to help me solve the riddle of the world's worst logo. The Admiral did his technical heavyweight best, even explaining the concept of blogging to me, something I found impossibly silly. But it was this explanation … Continue reading My Brilliant Idea →

More Graphic Design Dilemmas >>

All text and images are copyright Greg Moodie. Do not use without express permission.